Listen, Benjamin the Beefcake Bachelor: I’ve met you eighteen times in eleven different countries, and I’m simply not going to fall for your flirtatious fanfare anymore.
Travelers, you know who I’m talking about. Whether you’re dealing with beefcake bachelors or wayward wanderers, it’s safe to say dating abroad adds a highly unique element to an already unpredictable pursuit.
Fall deviously in love, have a steamy foreign fling, or flirt ferociously at the airport bar—whatever you do, you’re probably going to encounter at least one of these 11 folks along the way:
Patrick the Pub Crawl Prince
You hear that? It’s the sound of Patrick the Pub Crawl Price rallying his booze-guzzling hostel buddies for the Tuesday night bar crawl. Fueled by jaeger bombs and probably hot moms, he’s DMing you for beer pong at 2 pm, and he’s most likely going to hit on you after his third round. Save it, Patrick; you’re probably not even going to remember this tomorrow.
Yasmin the Yogi
She came here for the “vibes” and you’ll find her wolfing down acai smoothie bowls topped with ornate granola in her down time. Her sandy skin is sun-kissed, dotted with a few simple tattoos from past travels, and she scribbles down scattered thoughts in a worn-in journal about her worldly adventures. She doesn’t really know where she’s heading next, and let’s be real, you probably can’t catch her anyway.
Benjamin the Beefcake Bachelor
A neon cutoff tank top emblazoned with something along the lines of “Cancun Spring Break 2018” is a surefire way to spot Benjamin the Beefcake Bachelor, a burly yet oddly lovable sweet talker who’s as popular with the lads as he is with the ladies. Admittedly, he’s a blast to pal around with and is always up for doing something fun. He might be the type of guy to order spaghetti carbonara in Cambodia and he’ll likely be working at his dad’s law firm in 5 years.
Ingrid the Instagram Influencer
If color-coordinated outfits and expertly timed selfie lighting are forms of art, then Ingrid the Instagram Influencer might as well have her own damn corridor in The Louvre. She’s gunning it for that perfect shot and there’s nothing you can do about it—so either become her personal photographer (rather, “Instagram Boyfriend”) or just avoid her altogether. Listen though, I’ll give credit where it’s due: her gingham skirt DOES look amazing against that yellow-ochre wall in Lisbon, and she really is good at curating a darling feed.
William the Wayward Wanderer
First you saw his bare feet. Then you saw his oh-so casually unbuttoned shirt met by long hair cascading onto his shoulders…and then you stared at him for an uncomfortably long time until he made eye contact with you. Enter William the Wayward Wanderer: your stereotypical nomadic heartthrob. He’s probably decked out with intricate tattoos and keeping one eye on Yasmin the Yogi at all times. His accent is a guessing game—and even more so curious is what his next move will be. But seriously, does he even own shoes? The world may never know…
Gary the Guitar Guy
A soft, slightly drunk sounding version of Jack Johnson’s “Banana Pancakes” permeates the hostel lounge—he’s here. Every hostel has one: it’s Gary the Guitar Guy. Substitute a guitar with any other string-plucking instrument; sometimes Gary prefers to strum a comically small ukulele or equivalent. I can’t tell if he’s really that darned into the music or if it’s just a conversation-inducing tool, but I gotta say; Gary makes connections happen and campfires go ‘round. Needless to say, prepare for him to serenade your socks off if he fancies you.
Vanessa the Van Life Vagabond
Is she into you, or does she just want to take a shower at your place? Vanessa the Van Life Vagabond will come into your life just as fast as she leaves it, bringing a fleeting air of mystery (and probably some dirty laundry, too). One day she’s driving to Catalonia, the next she’s picked up a handsome stray hitchhiker and they’ve fallen in love before you even got to say hello. A word of advice: be that hitchhiker before someone else can be.
Nicholas the Navigation Noob
“Tuesday I’m going on a free walking tour; Wednesday I’m going to the Van Gogh Museum; Thursday I’m going on a group tour”, he rattles on while you rack your brain as to why you’re hearing his full itinerary. “You’re welcome to join!” he says with a genuine smile, and you can’t help but want to pat his head because he’s helplessly cute (in a little brother kind of way). Nicholas the Navigation Noob is going everywhere and nowhere at the same time, seeing as he’ll probably get lost along the way. He’s got absolutely zero game, but a truly kind heart.
Franco the Forward Foreign Flirt
His sentences may be basically unintelligible, but hell, Franco the Forward Foreign Flirt doesn’t need verbal language with the sexy moves he’s raining down on the dance floor. He looks at you like he loves you—and for a moment—you might even believe there’s something there beyond 5+ vodka sodas and thumping bass in the club. Franco is a silent hurricane that you (probably) won’t regret and definitely will never forget.
Barry the Broke Bloke
If I had a dollar for every oooh whatcha makin’ that Barry the Broke Bloke tossed on me in the communal kitchen, I’d probably have enough to buy him dinner for at least a week. Barry’s the first one to ask if you’re finished with your pasta and he’ll shamelessly scrape down the bowl if you let him. He’s resourceful and creative as can be, but prepare for a little moochin’ if you’re going to roll with Barry. I can’t say I judge him at all; if it means he gets to travel a few days longer then I’m all for it.
Selena the Study Abroad Sweetheart
For the love of god, can someone keep an eye on her at the club, please? It’s Stella the Study Abroad Sweetheart’s first time in another country, and she has (understandably) been swept up in the wanderlust of leaving home for the first time—but also by Patrick the Pub Crawl Prince. Let her have these six months, would ya? She’s nothing but radiant positivity and she’ll be talking about “abroad” for years to come.